Busy
I'm sitting here, alone, on a Saturday night, feeling like I'm seriously missing something. I haven't done much of anything useful today, and yet it's not 9:00, so I don't feel like turning in for the night, because as soon as I do Saturday will become Sunday and I'll have a lot of work to do.
It seems like my workload for classes is consistently made larger throughout the semester and I can't see a good reason why. I work at the same rate as I always do (which is greater, by the looks of it, than just about anyone else on campus) and yet apparently there is good reason to shove that much more at me. At the same time I am expected by nature of my future occupation to "remain competitive", which means do perfectly and present myself as a model student by joining every club under the sun. Despite this it seems I'm also expect to "have a life" so that I can be a person in the future. Just how exactly am I to do this, then? I spend at least four hours a night on weekdays studying, not counting extra studying for tests and any work assigned that isn't directly related to test. Despite a serious studying schedule, this weekend I've had to do more studying to stay ahead of the game for a history test. Yet I'm also supposed to try and prove myself as a good civic individual by participating in other things. But many of the people I talk to who do many other organizations have suffering grades as a result. Just how is it that people pull this off? Am I missing something?
I remember an article I saw a while back on a student who completed a bachelor's degree in one year. He brought some seventy five credits from AP classes in high school and did 20+ credit semesters and summer classes to complete his bachelor's. His goal? To become a patent lawyer. If I am to become a professor, the person who by tradition is to know as much about their topic as possible, how am I supposed to do anything close to that and yet be able to function as a human being?
I ask because I am considering getting a job next semester in preparation for potentially leaving the dorms, yet I cannot see how I can manage a job that pays in addition to a class schedule that lets me graduate in four years, and also be someone who has a life in the real world. As it is I try to do my studying so that I can have time afterwards to do stuff with other people. Do people really expect me to just work work work and lose my humanity as a result? The prospect worries me more than a little.
At least, that's how I feel. Real life seems to have it's own pathway. I am usually able to push through my work and get done with good time, and yet I still feel like I don't have time to do anything. There is no 'free' time. I have things that I want to accomplish, even if in reality they aren't that important. It's at the point where any time I'm with a friend and something isn't being done, I become anxious to go do something else. I can't just sit still. Even right now writing this is on a list of things that I want to complete on Saturday, a day that has actually been the first day in about two weeks where I have been free to do anything I choose. It's a weird feeling in a spot like this, where I feel like I am doing nothing and should be more productive, and yet I really have nothing that productive to do and feel like I should let myself relax. However, to relax would be to lose precious time.
I wonder if I am this way because of adaptation or paranoia. This kind of pattern settled in pretty quickly when I came to college, and I had actively prepared to improve my time management before I came. But before I was here I was able to actually relax for a change. Even reading my passage above about having a life sounds like an objective where certain things have to be met in order for me to qualify as 'having a life'. Any time not spent wondering how I'm going to accomplish the rest of the day is usually spent wondering how I'm going to accomplish the next ten years. I actively worry about getting a job and a car and an apartment, and then I wonder how I'm going to balance that with class and yet maintain at least a 3.5 (which is my own standard of being 'acceptable').
I wonder if it will ultimately become a choice for me between sacrificing my social future and my academic one. I've already shifted significantly in the direction of the academic one. I have a list of books I 'need' to read and diversions are low on my list of things of importance (they often get ranked as how useful they will be for me, and I generally analyze them afterwards to determine if they were worth the effort). I wonder what such a choice would cost me. Most of all, I wonder if I can find anyone else who understands the spot I have put myself in.
It seems like my workload for classes is consistently made larger throughout the semester and I can't see a good reason why. I work at the same rate as I always do (which is greater, by the looks of it, than just about anyone else on campus) and yet apparently there is good reason to shove that much more at me. At the same time I am expected by nature of my future occupation to "remain competitive", which means do perfectly and present myself as a model student by joining every club under the sun. Despite this it seems I'm also expect to "have a life" so that I can be a person in the future. Just how exactly am I to do this, then? I spend at least four hours a night on weekdays studying, not counting extra studying for tests and any work assigned that isn't directly related to test. Despite a serious studying schedule, this weekend I've had to do more studying to stay ahead of the game for a history test. Yet I'm also supposed to try and prove myself as a good civic individual by participating in other things. But many of the people I talk to who do many other organizations have suffering grades as a result. Just how is it that people pull this off? Am I missing something?
I remember an article I saw a while back on a student who completed a bachelor's degree in one year. He brought some seventy five credits from AP classes in high school and did 20+ credit semesters and summer classes to complete his bachelor's. His goal? To become a patent lawyer. If I am to become a professor, the person who by tradition is to know as much about their topic as possible, how am I supposed to do anything close to that and yet be able to function as a human being?
I ask because I am considering getting a job next semester in preparation for potentially leaving the dorms, yet I cannot see how I can manage a job that pays in addition to a class schedule that lets me graduate in four years, and also be someone who has a life in the real world. As it is I try to do my studying so that I can have time afterwards to do stuff with other people. Do people really expect me to just work work work and lose my humanity as a result? The prospect worries me more than a little.
At least, that's how I feel. Real life seems to have it's own pathway. I am usually able to push through my work and get done with good time, and yet I still feel like I don't have time to do anything. There is no 'free' time. I have things that I want to accomplish, even if in reality they aren't that important. It's at the point where any time I'm with a friend and something isn't being done, I become anxious to go do something else. I can't just sit still. Even right now writing this is on a list of things that I want to complete on Saturday, a day that has actually been the first day in about two weeks where I have been free to do anything I choose. It's a weird feeling in a spot like this, where I feel like I am doing nothing and should be more productive, and yet I really have nothing that productive to do and feel like I should let myself relax. However, to relax would be to lose precious time.
I wonder if I am this way because of adaptation or paranoia. This kind of pattern settled in pretty quickly when I came to college, and I had actively prepared to improve my time management before I came. But before I was here I was able to actually relax for a change. Even reading my passage above about having a life sounds like an objective where certain things have to be met in order for me to qualify as 'having a life'. Any time not spent wondering how I'm going to accomplish the rest of the day is usually spent wondering how I'm going to accomplish the next ten years. I actively worry about getting a job and a car and an apartment, and then I wonder how I'm going to balance that with class and yet maintain at least a 3.5 (which is my own standard of being 'acceptable').
I wonder if it will ultimately become a choice for me between sacrificing my social future and my academic one. I've already shifted significantly in the direction of the academic one. I have a list of books I 'need' to read and diversions are low on my list of things of importance (they often get ranked as how useful they will be for me, and I generally analyze them afterwards to determine if they were worth the effort). I wonder what such a choice would cost me. Most of all, I wonder if I can find anyone else who understands the spot I have put myself in.
posted by Derek at 8:48 PM
1 Comments:
this is the past and i almost want to jump ahead and read the most current writings of what life is now for you. everyone goes through such things of thinking and which order things should be. i have to say you have your head straight and doing a great job even though what i read is the past. If you are to read the past the current is probably the same or intensified a bit, more responsibilities as you mature. You know where i stand and the person who is the Saviour of this world. Stop for a moment, reading this you just put things in order of importance but what is the goal? what is the truth - which guides us through life? what path, which puts these goals in order of importance, is it just us, our way of which we think is right?. that's all. no rebuttal is needed.
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